Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Back in the U.S. (of A)

So I haven't updated my blog in awhile for many reasons. The main reason is that I left Berlin on September 3 (the Wir Sind Helden concert was cancelled and I was livid), came back Stateside, was at home in Jersey for a week, then came up to Middlebury. Since being at Middlebury, I've been thrown back into the world of academia, stress, and social obligations.

I'm actually only taking two classes (Reasonable Doubts, a.k.a. German course about the Enlightenment and reading classic texts like Faust and then my senior film seminar about Fellini & Antonioni) and my thesis. It leaves me a nice schedule with classes only on Tuesday and Thursday, as well as Wednesday evening. I work in the mailroom Monday, Wednesday, and Friday in order to earn money so I can get back to Berlin.

Speaking of which, I will be going back to Berlin in March for spring break with Alex. You may be asking yourself, "Already?" And the answer is YES. I still am not sure if I love it here as much as I once did, hence booking a flight already to go back. By "here" I mean the U.S. in general, but I also definitely mean Middlebury. Middlebury is not what it once was. It is no longer my home away from home. It is no longer a place where I feel comfortable as I had been. It has become a place where I have to be in order to continue on with the rest of my life. It is basically just a pause in my life, the life that I discovered while I was in Berlin and the life that I want to get back to. I am obligated to be back here, to get that piece of paper saying I went to college, to finish my studies.

Being back has also made me realize I am taking a new direction with my life. That direction is steering me back towards Germany. I feel like I was much happier there with the lifestyle and who I was, who I became. I don't like the people here as I did before I went abroad. Things have changed, people have changed, I don't know any of the underclassmen. (Not that I really care because I just go to the dining hall whenever I please, not caring if I'm alone.) Relationships have evolved: I see that people I once cared about, I now couldn't care less about, people I once barely knew have become better friends, and people I never knew seem to be better friends than those I thought would always be there.

Nothing really excites me about studying anymore. It makes me irritated to have to sit down and read a text about a film. I think the only thing I'm vaguely interested in is my thesis, only because it is my own project and I can do what I want with it. It's rather sad, but I suppose this is one of the changes in myself that has happened.

On a completely different note, my oldest sister Tracie got married a few weeks ago. That was a real jolt. I suppose it was a sign of growing up, of letting go. Tracie will always be there, of course, but "letting go" of childhood, of silly jokes, of immaturity. It's hard to explain because obviously those things will still be there, but it's not the same. Don't get me wrong, I love my um, brother-in-law, I think he's awesome. It's just strange to think Tracie as a married woman. (I think that's it: She's a married woman, not a girl anymore...who the hell is ever called a "married girl" anyway?)

But that is my life in a nutshell thus far. I plan on applying for jobs to get back to Germany. I hope that I will be there again someday soon. Right after college would be nice. But yes...getting out of Middlebury will be a great relief, as much as I will miss it. It will be a place that I will always remember, but right now, I am ready to move on.

1 comment:

Joel W. said...

Remember to breathe!